You are doubtlessly aware that I recently resigned as poetry editor of the Washington Free Beacon. Alas, my attorneys have informed me that I remain contractually obligated to fulfill my duties as public editor and ombudsman of this execrable news blog.
These duties include the periodic disgorgement of Diddle’s Mailsack in order to read and respond to your questions and concerns. Most of your letters were unfit for publication, but I managed to find a handful deserving of my consideration. Enjoy!
To the editor:
So I was waiting on line at a Publix liquor store the other day, scrolling aimlessly on my phone, when I came across a photo of some Hamas terrorists flying on a private jet following their release from prison in Libya. (See attached.)
For obvious reasons, I did what the kids might call an “LOL,” and decided to share my joy with the young lady standing behind me. I turned around, held out my phone, and said, “Look at this fat f—k. His FUPA is even bigger than my wife’s.”
Alas, I immediately regretted the decision. This young woman—marginally attractive, at best—rolled her eyes and scoffed as if I had just insulted her own mother. “OK Boomer,” she replied. “Like, don’t fat shame? It’s giving sus, pluh.” I’m not entirely sure what she meant, exactly,…